Nelson Hash House Harriers New Zealand

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Muppet Play Cricket

A funeral service

A funeral service is being held in a chuch for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"


New Germany

Saudi Arabia

Has refuse to take any refugees but will pay for 100 new Mosques to be build in German

A Man With No Enemies

(Touching story)

  

Ya' gotta love this guy!!!!!

 Meet Walter Barnes - All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

 Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

 "Mr Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

 "I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

 "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years
and not have an enemy in the world?"

 The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
"I outlived all  the cunts" - and he calmly returned to his seat.


3/11/2014 -    DO YOU HAVE A VAGINA ?

A woman is at home alone when she hears someone knock at the door.

 

When she opens the door there's a man standing there.
He asks the her, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband JOE gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
JOE tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.
JOE says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'
She nods yes
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have,' she says.
The man replies . . ...
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

Bad Day at Work

Surprise Party...

Assistance Call 

From Aussie.....

As usual, the kiwi bucks night ended up at a brothel

 

 

Window Washer 24/3/2014

Vibrator Vid

Wedding ring video  24/3/2014

Goldfish-Good one!

A drover walks into a bar 

A drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

 He puts the crocodile up on the bar.He turns to the astonished patrons.

'I'll make you a deal.  I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

 Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth

And I'll remove my unit unscathed.In return for witnessing this spectacle,

each of you will buy me a drink.'

 The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,

and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute,the man grabbed a beer

bottle and smacked the

crocodile hard on the top of its head.The croc opened his mouth

and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,

and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

 The man stood up again and made another offer.  'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd.  After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

 A Blonde woman timidly

spoke up..........'I'll try it

 

Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

Subject: How Women Mess Up Men.....................

anybody who says they haven't been down this road is a liar.

 

I used to be like this...



Then I met a girl...




She was like this...




Together, we were like this...




I gave her gifts like this...




When she accepted my proposal, I was like this...




I used to talk to her all night like this..



And at the office I used to do this...




When my friends saw my girlfriend, they stared like this...




And I used to react like this..

But on Valentine’s Day,
she received a red rose from someone else like this...



And she was like this…




And I was like this…



Which later led to this...



and this...



I felt like doing this...




So I started doing this...




NOW look at me…




D
*AMN GIRLS!



And now I am back to doing this!


And I don't care

if I do go blind!!

 

 

Little red wagon

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

 

Beer Opener

1700

Great One-Liners

 

   

 -Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

 

-The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.  

 

-I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.  

 

-My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

 

-I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.  

 

-I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.  

 

-The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

 

-My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 

-A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

 

-I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 

 

 

African Fast Food

First Olympics Joke

 

 

FIRST OLYMPICS JOKE.

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. " Waddington-Smith, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing."

 

 

 

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES ......From Panikin Cider

 

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

      
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
 5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
        
    Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...


        
Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. 

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.  In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet..  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.  However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.  Ba$tard$.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.  I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.  However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.  I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'  I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.  I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.  The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.  He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant.  I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.  I am certain that he reports my every move.  My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.  For now................

 

 

A Male Life Mystery?

    

    

 

Copy of funny commericials

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Copy of goretex

Ice Scraping

Fertilily Clinic

Armless

pickup

old farts

Joke for Plumley& Stroker

Italian Cruise ship captain

 

Italian Cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino began his new job as a bus driver yesterday…

 

 

 

 



 

 

 Engineering solution

 

 Engineering solution  

(You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story but it helps !!!! )
 
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timing so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get ticked-off and buy another product instead.
 
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
 
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.
 
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
 
It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0, after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He launched an investigation, and after some work, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
 
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.
 
A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing any empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.
 
“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang”.

 

Been Married too long

What to buy a fat woman

JOKE OF THE WEEK

This ought to offend a few people.

A nun is sitting on a train opposite a Muslim Male who is eating a bag of prawns.
Every time he eats one he spits the head at her and she throws it out the window.
Eventually she gets pissed off and pulls the emergency cord.
The Muslim looks at her and says "You'll get fined $50 for doing that you stupid slut".
She laughs back and says "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers you'll get 10 years you Towel headed arsehole".
 

  

The most popular ride at the Texas State Fair

landing

Why I hate _my little_ brother

Clean Your glasses

scary thing  turn up your volume control...

smoking area

careteer

THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:

THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:

 

 

1)    When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

 

2)    Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

 

3)    Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

 

4)    Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

 

5)    Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

 

6)    Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

 

7)    Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

 

8)    Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

 

9)    Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

 

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask him or her if they hear something ticking.

 

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

 

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

 

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

 

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

 

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

 

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

 

17) Call out, "group hug!" then enforce it.

 

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

 

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

 

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

 

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

 

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

 

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

 

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

 

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

 

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

 

Girl in  a bar

Subject: Hmmn

 


 

Prostate examination !

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the Medicare Rebate, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual, he was asked to strip off and lay naked on his side on the bed.
The nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" said the man...??
.
.
.
.

"Not you, me" replied the nurse J

   

 

Shopping in Israel

 

When its ok to pee in your pants

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Muppet Joke....

A woman goes into Rebel sports to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
Twenty first Birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to
the counter.

A Rebel check-out Clerk is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the
counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it
makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667 Model
rod fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel spooled with 20lb Berkley
Fireline. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week
for only $199.00.

"She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she
is really
embarrassed, but then realizes it's not likely that the blind clerk
could tell it was she who farted.

He may not know that she was the only person around. The man rings up
the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it
was on sale for $199.00? How did you get $254.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the duck
caller is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $19.50.

 

Burnout Comparison

 

 

Happy Penguin

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Smart Bird

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Maori get the sky

A young Maori boy was staying at his friend's house one Saturday night. They were watching the All-Black game when the young Maori boy said to his mate "How come the All-Blacks are playing so early tonight? They usually start playing at 9.30pm"

His friend replies "That's because we are watching the game live. We get Sky Television here. At your place you are probably watching the delayed coverage on TV3."

 

The inquisitive boy returns home on Sunday morning and says to his father upon arrival.

"Dad? How come we don't have sky?” The father replies "Taihoa son, settle down. We've got to get the foreshore back first!!

Females

Females

 

 

How many men does it take to open a beer? 
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. 
------------------------------------------- 
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a  woman? 
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. 
------------------------------------------- 
Why do women have smaller feet than men? 
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that 
allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 
------------------------------------------- 
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? 
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me. 
------------------------------------------- 
How do you fix a woman's watch? 
You don't. There is a clock on the oven. 
------------------------------------------- 
Why do men fart more than women? 
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. 
------------------------------------------- 
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. 
------------------------------------------- 
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? 
A woman that won't do what she's told. 
------------------------------------------- 
I married Miss Right. 
I just didn't know her first name was Always. 
------------------------------------------- 
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: 
I don't like to interrupt her. 
-------------------------------------------- 
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? 
Divorced. 
-------------------------------------------- 
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. 
It's called a Wedding Cake. 
--------------------------------------------- 
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: 
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. 
--------------------------------------------- 
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" 
I said, "Dust!" 
--------------------------------------------- 
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. 
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created  Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. 
--------------------------------------------- 
Why do men die before their wives? 
They had enough. 
--------------------------------------------- 
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on  Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had 
your willpower." 
--------------------------------------------- 
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some  parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" 
Dad: That happens in every country, son. 
--------------------------------------------- 
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: 
Wife Wanted." 
 
The next day he received a hundred letters. 
  They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 
---------------------------------------- 
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. 
---------------------------------------------- 
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and  still think they are beautiful. 

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Defective Chinese Product

Need-Glasses

Burka

wekkerproblem

Canadian Car

Good one..

 Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistani

blood.  It's not as bad as it sounds,  I now have a 12 inch cock, and I am top of the housing list.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.

Last week me and this Pakistani from work decided to have a moustache and beard growing competition.
I still can't believe she won.

Couple driving home and run over a wombat, they get out to find it was still breathing but very cold.
Husband says "put it between your legs to warm it up"  Wife replies "but it`s all wet and it stinks"
Husband replies.." well hold the wombat's nose then!"

A man was caught masturbating in a newsagents. Apparently it's all over the papers.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!


 

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Letter of The Year    ....good one

 

 I do appologize for the language,but it is f******g funny!

      Australian Letter of the Year....

      This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign

      Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister. The Rudd Government tried

      desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every

      legal person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing!

      

Dear Mr. Minister,

      I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

      How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows

      that I bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997,

      and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born

      and on what date?

      For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

      My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all

      the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.      

      It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those

      stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes

      over the past 30  years.

      It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

      Also...  would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is

      Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely fucking astounded if that ever

      changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

      SHIT!  What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide??

      I apologise, Mr. Minister.  But I'm really pissed off this morning.

      Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit!

      You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!!

      What the hell is going on with your mob?  Have you got a gang of mindless

      Neanderthal arseholes working there!

      And another thing, look at my damn picture...  Do I look like Bin Laden?

      I can't even grow a beard for God's  sakes. I just want to go to  New Zealand  and see

      my new granddaughter.  (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone

      please tell  me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the

      next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep

      or a horse, believe you me, I'd  sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

      Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another

      fucking copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of

      accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

      Would  it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the

      issuance of a new passport on the same day??

      Nooooo..  that 'd  be too fucking easy and makes far too much sense.

      You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our

      fucking heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' wanker to confirm

      that it's  really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo.... the one where we're

      not allowed to smile?! .... you fucking morons.

      Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

      P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting

      someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me? Well, my family

      has been in this country since before 1850!  In 1856, one of my

      forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the

       Eureka  Stockade!!) 

      I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something

      over 30  years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high

      security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of

      the RSL... and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card

      each year.

      However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to

      verify who I am; You know... someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN

      AND RAISED IN FUCKING  PAKISTAN !!!.....  a country where they either

      assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from

      the Commonwealth for not having the "right sort of government".

      You are all fucking idiots!

 

 

 

 

The fly....

Duck on Holiday....from Duck

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From Duck

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Chamomile Tea



A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue..


Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

kunstszene

Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Got chu

The bride tells her husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

The Big Flood

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.


The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?" 

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" 

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

Elephant

Final bird

Camper

Wedding 1

1 rodeo