A funeral service
A funeral service is being held in a chuch for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"
New Germany
Saudi Arabia
Has refuse to take any refugees but will pay for 100 new Mosques to be build in German
A Man With No Enemies
(Touching story)
Ya' gotta love this guy!!!!!
Meet Walter Barnes - All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
"Mr Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr Barnes, would you please
come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years
and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle,
stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said
simply,
"I outlived all the cunts" - and he calmly returned to his
seat.
3/11/2014 - DO YOU HAVE A VAGINA ?
A woman is at home alone when she hears someone knock at the door.
When she opens the door there's a man standing there.
He asks the her, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband JOE gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
JOE tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.
JOE says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'
She nods yes
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have,' she says.
The man replies . . ...
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
From Aussie.....
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A drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.In return for witnessing this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile hard on the top of its head.The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly
spoke up..........'I'll try it
Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
Subject: How Women Mess Up Men.....................
Subject: How Women Mess Up Men.....................
Little red wagon
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
|
FIRST OLYMPICS JOKE.
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley,
WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Ba$tard$.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................
A Male Life Mystery?
Italian Cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino began his new job as a bus driver yesterday…
|
Engineering solution (You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story but it helps !!!! ) | ||
| |
This ought to offend a few people.
A nun is sitting on a train opposite a Muslim Male who is eating a bag of prawns.
Every time he eats one he spits the head at her and she throws it out the window.
Eventually she gets pissed off and pulls the emergency cord.
The Muslim looks at her and says "You'll get fined $50 for doing that you stupid slut".
She laughs back and says "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers you'll get 10 years you Towel headed arsehole".
Prostate examination !
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the Medicare Rebate, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual, he was asked to strip off and lay naked on his side on the bed.
The nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" said the man...??
.
.
.
.
"Not you, me" replied the nurse J
When its ok to pee in your pants
A woman goes into Rebel sports to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
Twenty first Birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to
the counter.
A Rebel check-out Clerk is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the
counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it
makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667 Model
rod fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel spooled with 20lb Berkley
Fireline. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week
for only $199.00.
"She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she
is really
embarrassed, but then realizes it's not likely that the blind clerk
could tell it was she who farted.
He may not know that she was the only person around. The man rings up
the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it
was on sale for $199.00? How did you get $254.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the duck
caller is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $19.50.
Maori get the sky
A young Maori boy was staying at his friend's house one Saturday night. They were watching the All-Black game when the young Maori boy said to his mate "How come the All-Blacks are playing so early tonight? They usually start playing at 9.30pm"
His friend replies "That's because we are watching the game live. We get Sky Television here. At your place you are probably watching the delayed coverage on TV3."
The inquisitive boy returns home on Sunday morning and says to his father upon arrival.
"Dad? How come we don't have sky?” The father replies "Taihoa son, settle down. We've got to get the foreshore back first!!
Females
Females
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
-------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that
allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me.
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
--------------------------------------------
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
--------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
---------------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
---------------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
---------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
---------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They had enough.
---------------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on
your willpower."
---------------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
---------------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
----------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
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Good one..
| Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistani blood. It's not as bad as it sounds, I now have a 12 inch cock, and I am top of the housing list.
| ||
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Letter of The Year ....good one
I do appologize for the language,but it is f******g funny!
|
Duck on Holiday....from Duck
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From Duck
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue..
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.
As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.
Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"